Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
They took my balls.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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