Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I enjoy the company of your penis
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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