I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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