I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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