Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
