I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Randomize
