I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
