if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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