i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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