you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
