I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
