Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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