I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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