"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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