Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
