my mouth tastes like poor choices
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Randomize
