Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
