dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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