my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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