she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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