I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
