Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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