I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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