Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
