i just snorted my name. best moment ever
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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