Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
