I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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