i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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