im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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