No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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