Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
