adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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