Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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