when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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