Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
