Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When did angry sex become our thing?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
