k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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