my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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