I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
