Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
