I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
