who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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