just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
