the condom got lost in my hair
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
