You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize