I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
