Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
