why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
