you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
