Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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