I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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