I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
