I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
