his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize