He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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