My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
