explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
