i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
40s are totally the cure
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
