I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
