so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
