Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
