I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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